Whisperings of a Wandering Heart

So, in a lot of ways, I am well on my way to moving on, and "getting over" this whole being married to Josh thing.  We should actually be divorced soon, I signed the papers, and I am not sure how long it will take to be filed and get approved.  Just have to wait.  Waiting is the worst part. I have never really had much patience, in fact, my mom used to joke that she should have named me Patience Grace, so that I would have some.  I am really trying to open myself up to God's time, but it is hard.  I like to be in control of things and try to make them happen, but I am trying to let go of that, and just take a seat and "enjoy" the ride.  Yesterday would have marked the 3 year anniversary of when J and I started dating, and I feel like I spent 3 years of my life devoted to a lie, and in a way, I did.  I know that "time heals all wounds," or at least makes us less aware of them.

Anyway, I hear this song, and think of my relationship with J.  I feel like all our memories are haunting me.  Things that I enjoyed doing are sort of tainted because they don't mean the same things anymore.  It kind of sucks.  I have also had this sort of nagging feeling lately that something is missing, or just isn't right.

On another note, Tuesday, we had to put "my old man," Skippy, our kitty to sleep. He was born the Summer after 4th grade, and we'd had him since he was born.  Our 2 cats had kittens at the same time, and mom said we could choose 1 cat to keep, and I got to pick, so I chose skippy cause he was the biggest and the only gray one.  I thought he was a girl, and I wanted to name him Cinderella.  Gramma named him Skippy when we figured out he was a boy.  He was a good kitty, although never really affectionate or cuddly, but definately fiesty. I'll miss him.

"Already Gone" by Kelly Clarkson
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die...

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop...

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

Ahhhh already gone, already gone, already gone
Ahhhh already gone, already gone, already gone 

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye...

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on,
So I'm already gone

Several years ago a movie came out called Sweet November.  Where this woman asks this man to be her Mr. November and to be her living boyfriend for the month of November, and at the end of the month they end up falling in love, but because the deal was for November only, they break it off.  Why would I call my note this? 

Well those of you who have known me for a while know that November is the month of anniversaries for J and I.  Our first date was All Saints Day (Nov. 1st) Mass at St Cyrils in 2006, we decided we were officially a couple Nov. 11, 2006, and we were married November 22, 2008.  November should be a happy time, but instead of being a sweet month full of romantic anniverasies, it is instead a month reminding me what was, and what isn't any longer.  In a way I can look at it and be glad that I am no longer with a person who didn't treat me the way a husband should, but I also look at it and think what could have been.  I went into marriage excited to be a wife and mother, and i hoped that by now, J and I would be on our way to becoming parents.  I am not looking forward to November, because I am not sure how I am going to react to those days.  There is one thing I know, emotions are uncontrollable, so I need to just accept that what I feel is what I feel, and I hope that all of my friends can bear with me, and be understanding if I happen to be somewhat moody this next month.  It is a lot to deal with. 

I am however looking forward to sharing the top teir of my wedding cake with my family on Thanksgiving (Carrot cake, yum).  That should make at least part of November sweet.

Ok, I started to write this last night, and about half way through the post disappeared.  I took it as a sign I wasn't supposed to write it.  But I am going to try again today.  Cause I don't give up that easy. 

So my point last night is that I was having a rough week last week, and this week is only going slightly better.  Seeing J a week ago really had more of an affect on me than I was willing to admit. I really do think that I was beginning to heal, but seeing him again just tore those scabs back open, and it hurt.  I think what hurt the most is how he was so indifferent.  How can you approach your WIFE and be so emotionless, makes you get it so much more when in Revelation is says be either hot or cold, but not luke-warm or I will vomit you from my mouth.  I would have preferred anger and hatred to the cold unfeeling response.  The next man I get involved with better have more emotions than a jellyfish, seriously.  Ok that was mean, but I am upset.  Seeing him reminded me of that he cheated me out of, and what he denied to me that his promise entitled to me.  And then I have to deal with people who it seems to me think I should be doing better than I am.  It's just a lot to deal with, but a friend gave me some good advice, to feel what I feel and know it might be a while before its all ok.

So today we have Love Drunk, cause "I used to be love drunk and now I'm hung over."  That's what it kind of feels like, the hangover from hell. I sometimes wonder if it will ever end.  Not to mention how my heart won't stop searching for a replacement.  It's like seriously what does no relationships mean to you, certainly not falling for people, not now.  It is soooooo inconvenient.  But I am trying to let go, and it is really really hard.

I just have to keep praying and keep going.

"Love Drunk" by Boys Like Girls
Hey, hey, hey, hey

Top down in the summer sun
The day we met was like a hit and run
And I still taste it on my tongue
(Taste it on my tongue)

The sky was burning up like fireworks
You made me want you, oh, so bad it hurt
But girl, in case you haven't heard

I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
I love you forever, forever is over
We used to kiss all night, now it's just a bar fight
So don't call me crying, say hello then goodbye
(Oh yeah!)

There's just one thing would make me say
(Oh yeah!)
I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
I love you forever, but now it's over
(Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey)

Hot sweat and blurry eyes
We're spinning on a roller coaster ride
The world stuck in black and white
(Stuck in black and white)

You drove me crazy every time we touched
Now I'm so broken that I can't get up
Oh girl, you make me such a lush

I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
I love you forever, forever is over
We used to kiss all night, now it's just a bar fight
So don't call me crying, say hello then goodbye
(Oh yeah!)

There's just one thing would make me say
(Oh yeah!)
I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
I love you forever, but now it's over

All the time I wasted on you
All the bullshit you put me through
I'm checking into rehab 'cause everything that we had
Didn't mean a thing to you

I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
I love you forever, but now I'm sober

I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
I love you forever, forever is over
We used to kiss all night, now it's just a bar fight
So don't call me crying, say hello then goodbye
(Oh yeah!)

There's just one thing would make me say
(Oh yeah!)
I used to be love drunk, but now I'm hungover
I love you forever, but now it's over

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Now it's over, I still taste it on my tongue
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, na
Now it's over

Yesterday while chatting with Angela, I made a comment about a situation in my life, which some of you know about, but I'd rather not go into detail about it, and I said I was pretty sure God was laughing at me right now, I would be.

Let me put it into perspective, I am a control freak, I like being in control, and I like knowing where things are going.  What's weird about that is that I am incredibly indecisive.  I hate making decisions and I hate change. 

So I have decided a lot of things lately, made a resolution to get to know me, and I am on the brink of a lot of change.  Anyway, what my point is, and I do have one, I am in this situation, that is all wrong, goes against everything, I have decided and is uber complicated, yet I can't seem to let go of my resolve or understand why this is occurring now.

So, I feel as though God is laughing at me, not in any sort of malicious way, just in the sense that he's up there on his cloud chuckling, saying hey Susan, if only you knew what I had in store for your future, but no, you won't let go, you won't let me take control.   Funny thing is discussing this situation, she asked me if I prayed for patience, I said no, only an acceptance of God's time.

It makes me laugh too, cause I realize all this and still, I can't seem to try to give up the little control I actually have.  Even listening to "I'm Letting Go" every morning for more than the past month hasn't helped much.

I am almost thinking that I should go back to having "While I'm Waiting" as my theme song.

*Sigh* So I met with J today, hopefully for the last time ever, and it made me realize something, he truly brings out all my bad qualities, in the past five months I have become a better person.  I hate the person I am when he is around me.  The whole way he acted today really ticked me off too, treated it just like a business meeting, not like he was seeing the person he promised to spend the rest of his life with and walked out on.  I am content with what we settled on and I hope I never see him again.  I am so ready for this chapter to close.  I want to move on and keep becoming a better person.

I picked this song, not because I don't want J to leave, I want that very much, but the rest of it I think fits how I was with him.  He seemed to drag out any bad quality I had.

This chapter is coming to a close and I am so ready for that.  I am ready to move on to the next and the rest of my life.


"Please Don't Leave Me" by Pink
Da da da da, da da da da
Da da da da-da da

I don't know if I can yell any louder
How many time have I kicked you outta here?
Or said something insulting?
da da da da-da
I can be so mean when I wanna be
I am capable of really anything
I can cut you into pieces
When my heart is....broken

Da da da-da da
Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me

How did I become so obnoxious?
What is it with you that makes me act like this?
I've never been this nasty
Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest
But baby I don't mean it
I mean it, I promise

Da da da-da da
Please don't leave me
Da da da-da da
Please don't leave me
Da da da-da da
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this
Please, don't leave me
[Please Don't Leave Me Lyrics On http://www.elyricsworld.com/ ]
I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me
I can't be without, you're my perfect little punching bag
And I need you, I'm sorry.

Da da da da, da da da da
da da da da-da da
Please, please don't leave me

Baby please don't leave me
No, don't leave me
Please don't leave me no no no
You say I don't need you but it's always gonna come right back,
It's gonna come right back to this.
Please, don't leave me.
No.
No, don't leave me
Please don't leave me, oh no no no.
I always say how I don't need you
But it's always gonna come right back to this

Please don't leave me
Please don't leave me

So the song doesn't actually fit my situation, but for some reason I love this song (and not just b/c Rachel sang it on Glee).  One part always sticks out and this is it: "Oh, and the award for the best liar goes to you. For making me believe that you could be faithful to me. Let's hear your speech out." Sure J didn't cheat on me, but he did promise to love me in good times and bad, in sickness and health, for better or worse, until death, and he didn't live up to that.  In fact 5 months after our wedding he wrote me a letter and basically said he never wanted to marry me in the first place.  I value honesty more than I think most people would understand.  If you know me you pretty much know that if I think it, it will eventually come out of my mouth.  I am pretty much an open book, and when I make a commitment, I plan to see it through, and I feel like I was majorly duped.  J made the biggest commitment that there is to me, and didn't honor it, didn't honor me, and honestly I am not sure he ever really loved me.  Since he seems to think that if you really love someone you can never be annoyed with them.  I am struggling with anger and bitterness towards him, and I hate it!  That is not who I want to be, that is why I left teaching, the stress of it was finally subsiding, and I was calming down and becoming a better person, but apparently that didn't happen fast enough.  I really think that if J had been willing to give us half a shot, we could have worked any of our problems out, but instead he chose to give up and leave, and honestly now, I don't think I could ever take him back.  Anyway, I hear this song and think of him because he sure did have me convinced that he wanted our marriage.

"Take A Bow" by Rihanna
Oh, how about a round of applause?
Yeah, standing ovation? Ooh, oh yeah
Yeah y-yeah yeah

You look so dumb right now
Standing outside my house
Trying to apologize
You?re so ugly when you cry
Please, just cut it out

Don?t tell me you?re sorry 'cause you?re not
And baby when I know you?re only sorry you got caught

But you put on quite a show, really had me going
But now it?s time to go, curtain?s finally closing
That was quite a show, very entertaining
But it?s over now
(But it?s over now)
Go on and take a bow

Grab your clothes and get gone
You better hurry up before the sprinklers come on
Talking? 'bout, ?Girl, I love you," "You?re the one"
This just looks like a rerun
Please, what else is on?

Don?t tell me you?re sorry 'cause you?re not
And baby when I know you?re only sorry you got caught

But you put on quite a show, really had me going
But now it?s time to go, curtain?s finally closing
That was quite a show, very entertaining
But it?s over now
(But it?s over now)
Go on and take a bow

Oh, and the award for the best liar goes to you
(Goes to you)
For making me believe that you could be faithful to me
Let's hear your speech out

How about a round of applause?
A standing ovation?

But you put on quite a show, really had me going
Now it?s time to go, curtain?s finally closing
That was quite a show, very entertaining
But it?s over now
(But it?s over now)
Go on and take a bow
But it's over now

Ok, so the title and the song aren't exactly nice, but when I heard it this morning it just struck me that I am reaching a point of bitterness towards J.  Which is somewhat understandable, but I am not OK with, I am really trying to be able to forgive him, but he is making it difficult.  I think the song pretty much speaks for itself though.

On another note, I have made an important decision and I am posting it here so that hopefully, anyone who reads this will hold me accountable to this.  I am off relationships at least until the divorce is final and most likely until my marriage is annulled.  Not that I am dating now or looking to date, but I need to make this resolution.  When I am free and available to be in a relationship, I want to enter into a true courtship, like Joshua Harris lays out in Boy Meets Girl.  So for now, I am just interested in learning who I am and developing friendships.  I feel really good about the decision.  I need to focus more on God's time and a lot less on having things in my time.


"Gives You Hell" by the All American Rejects
I wake up every evening
With a big smile on my face
And it never feels out of place.
And you're still probably working
At a 9 to 5 pace
I wonder how bad that tastes

When you see my face
I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell

Now where's your picket fence love
And where's that shiny car
Did it ever get you far?
You never seem so tense, love
Never seen you fall so hard
Do you know where you are?

Truth be told I miss you
Truth be told I'm lying

When you see my face
I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell
If you find a man thats worth the damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool you're just as well hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell

Tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself
Where did it all go wrong?
But the list goes on and on

Truth be told I miss you
Truth be told I'm lying

When you see my face
I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that's worth the damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool you're just as well hope it gives you hell

Now you'll never see
What you've done to me
You can take back your memories
They're no good to me
And here's all your lies
If you look me in the eyes
With the sad, sad look
That you wear so well

When you see my face
I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that's worth the damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool you're just as well hope it gives you hell

When you see my face
I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell (hope it gives you hell)
When you walk my way
I hope it gives you hell, I hope it gives you hell (hope it gives you hell)
When you hear this song and you sing along well you'll never tell
And you're the fool I've just as well I hope it gives you hell
When you hear this song I hope that it will give you hell
You can sing along I hope that it puts you through hell

3 years ago, right about this very time I walked into a dark room with a bunch of crazy cheering people, and didn't think even for a split second that it was a moment that would monumentally change my life.  I met people that will always be an important part of my life, Kristine, my awesome sister; Orrin, I couldn't have hand-picked a better dad; Russ, omg my life would be so dull with out you, too soon?; Theresa, you are one of the nicest most sincere people I know, Laura B, you taught me what MBOC was (well at least reiterated), and so many others.  I would be so lost with out you all, you have had such an important impact on my life I can't even put it into words, I love you guys so much.

I also met Joshua 3 years ago today, I remember when I first saw him, I thought, "wow, he is cute," and then, "there is definitely something about him, I have to know him."  Didn't really talk to him that weekend, but he showed up the Wednesday after BYA 8 to Christus after Paul and Marie invited him, and several other places after that.  A month later, we realized we both likes each other, thanks Paul, and it seems like the rest wrote itself, well it did until 5 months ago.  Today also marks the 10th month that I have been married, and I have been separated from my husband longer than we lived together.  On top of that, yesterday I was served the divorce papers.  I already had them, but getting served them gave this such finality, something I am not prepared for.  I am ready to move on, but I am not going to deny that I am scared.  I have been though a lot of changes in the past almost six months, and I think I am a better person for it, but I am still unsure I am following the right path.

Joshua and I were so sure God had put us both on BYA 8 to meet each other and fall in love and get married, and we did, but maybe it was all just coincidence and that is why it didn't work.  That may or may not be true, but I think we placed too much stock on the coincidence and relied on it too much without making a real effort. 

One thing I know for sure is that this whole experience has made me a better person.  Even though I sometimes I struggle with trusting in God, especially with all the crap that has come my way, I have grown closer to him, and I am learning to define myself as his child, not the roles I play.  Defining myself by roles I filled left me feeling lost and worthless when they went away, I am who I am, not what I do.  I am free to be me because I am not bound by the things I do.  The only things that I do that I want defining me are worshiping and singing.  I am striving to make my whole life worship of God, is it working 100% of the time, no, but I am striving all the same, and singing because my heart is full of song.  When I am happy it sings happy songs, when I am sad, they are sad, but they are always there.

This weekend I had the best experience at Bayou I have every had.  I really felt present the whole weekend, and humbled by the love shown to me by my wonderful kids and my fellow staffers.  Seriously Care Bears, you rock my world, I love you guys.  I could not have asked for better people to enter my life.

Ok, I am a little older than 20, but I think this song describes me pretty well, and puts it all into perspective.

"Free to Be Me" by Francesca Battistelli
At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can’t always see

(Chorus)
‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured out
My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt

(Chorus)

And you’re free to be you

Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and You tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it’s easy to believe
Even though

(Chorus)

Lately my life has been sort of a roller-coaster ride, but one of those ones in the dark, that you've never been on, so you aren't really sure when it is going to drop, turn, rise, or throw you for a loop.  The past week or two, has been pretty smooth sailing, with a few minor exceptions, mostly related to highway traffic, a couple to a boy who I had thought was a man, but he proved me wrong. 

Things are looking up, I have no real job prospects,  but I am pretty sure if I don't get something soon, it is a sign I should go back to school next fall.  I am excited about the idea of going back to school, I drove through the campus today on my way to half-priced book, and I felt like it was drawing me in, not with a sense of dread, but one of coming home.  One of my friends told me I belong in an academic setting. 

I think she is right, but I am still feeling the effects of a lack of concrete ministry in my life.  Maybe I am supposed to lead something on my own.  I don't know.  I am just not sure how going back to school for philosophy can fulfill my desire for ministry.  I want to do something to help bring about the kingdom of God.

Even though teaching wasn't leaving me 100% fulfilled, or even close, the idea that I was doing what I could to spread the word left me with a sense of purpose and fulfillment.  I am hungering for something like that.  Yes, I sing in the choir and that is ministry, but that only uses part of my talent and passion, I want to give more of myself.  

Being lost like this, not knowing where I want to go, is so unusual for me, typically, I have a plan for my life, but it seems like lately everything I have desired or planned for my life is being turned on it's head.  I was thinking last night about the people I know who are getting married or getting ready to become parents, and I can't help but feel jealous of them, that is what I wanted so badly, to be a wife and mother, but those things were taken away from me.  Not that I can't meet someone else, and marry them and have a child, it's just I feel like a liar.  When I taught my students about vocations, I would tell them that it isn't just married, priest, religious brother or sister, and the single life, but that for each married person their vocation had a specific name, the name of their spouse, so my vocation wasn't just marriage, my vocation, was Joshua, and I embraced that in a very real way.  He on the other hand didn't and I feel slighted and used, and I feel like he has made me into a liar.  

Anyway, I chose my song for today because one, I love it, and two I feel very much of what the lyrics say. "I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing With a broken heart that's still beating In the pain, there is healing"  I really feel damaged, like there is something wrong with me, and like no one will ever be interested in me "romantically" ever again.  And my heart is broken, I think if you read any of these post that should be obvious.  I still really love J, I don't really ever want to see or talk to him again, but I do love him, and I think that is what bothers me most.  I love him, but I don't like him, and I am certain that he is not now who he was when I met him, and fell in love with him, because this person, I am not in love with, and I don't think it is me that changed.  

And so I am left with this broken heart, that is still beating, and I am trying to pick up the pieces, but it's not easy, and I am tired of being strong.  I am tired of struggling to move forward, I just want to be there already, I just want to be healed, but I know, it's a process.

On another note, I was thinking about vocations, and deep in my heart is the desire to be a wife and mother, and I have trouble believing that desire could burn so strongly in my heart to remain unfulfilled.  I guess I just have to be patient and wait.  Did I ever mention, that I hate waiting?

"Broken" by Lifehouse
The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

So yesterday was the 21st Sunday in O.T., Cycle B.  Why does that matter, well because the second reading for the day is the same second reading that J and I chose for our wedding, my previous post says a little about that.  We got the music schedule for choir a couple weeks ago, and I was scheduled to Cantor yesterday, I took one look at the music and wasn't sure I could handle it.  Last time we sang "Joyful, joyful," I had to fight back tears, I know what your thinking how unbalanced is she?  Well that was our recessional song at our wedding.  In addition to that song, Mary scheduled "No Greater Love" for offertory, yeah, the same offertory song we had.  Anyway I told her I couldn't Cantor cause I wasn't sure I could make it through the music. 

So I went to Mass at St Max, and before Mass, I was studying the readings, the first one, no problem, I read it and "We Will Serve the Lord" starts playing in my head, then the Psalm, ok that's been the same for a couple weeks, and then I get to the second reading, and all those same feeling come back.  How marriage is supposed to image Christ in the Church, how you are supposed to give of yourself completely, lay down your life, for your spouse, how J and I agreed on that and that was why we chose that reading.  We went to TOB together, we went to Church together, but he wasn't willing to give anything of himself to me.  He didn't love me the way Christ loves the Church, Christ never ignored the Church, he doesn't blow her off when she approaches him with concerns.  And so as I am reflecting on the readings before Mass, I come up with that same cheated feeling and I just don't get it.

So Mass was hard, luckily the homily I heard had little to do with the readings, and avoided the second all together.  Also, Stephen's music selection was different from what Mary chose, relieved of some pain there too.  At least I wasn't at 11 AM at St. Laurence because Fr. Drew, according to my mom, preached a homily very similar to the one at my wedding, I really wouldn't have been able to take it. 

I always think I am doing better, but then, there is something like this, and I feel like I have been beaten to a bloody pulp with a 2 x 4.  Am I every really going to be ok, or is this going to haunt me forever?

www.usccb.org/nab/readings/082309.shtml

Let me just say, I love this song. 

"Do you know what's worth fighting for?" A constant argument J and I had was about how I felt like he didn't think I was worth fighting for, which obviously he didn't, he only liked me when things were going well, and closed off to me the rest of the time, not that he was ever that open in the first place.  But when I would ask, aren't you even going to try to fight for me?" he'd always say no, so it's no surprise that he left so easily and seems to have not even looked back slightly.  It really hurts coming to realize that I was never valued for who I was, or loved for who I am, just when it was convenient, or I was at my best.  It's sad because we had Ephesians 5 as our second reading for our wedding, and I truly hoped we would strive to have our marriage be an image of Christ and the Church, but I am relieved that God does not love me the way my husband chose to, only when I was at my best, and only when it was convenient, and he felt like it.  Imagine if God didn't want to "fight" for us, if the one sheep left the flock and he just said oh well, I have 99 more, what do I need that one for, or that sheep was giving me attitude, good riddance.  Not that God doesn't leave us to make our own choices, and live our own lives, but there is one thing that is for sure, even when we don't pursue him, God pursues us, and loves us anyway.  Luckily just because something is supposed to image something it doesn't mean that it necessarily does.   I can only hope that one day I will be in a relationship where I will be loved like Christ loves the Church, and will be actively pursued.

Now how I got all that out of a Green Day song, I'll never know.  My mind works a little differently I guess.

"21 Guns" by Green Day
Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?

Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

Ok, so I first listened to this song like 2 weeks ago when it was first released, and I really wanted to blog about it that day because it was the exact thing I needed to hear.  I had had a bad day the day before, and that day wasn't much better, but the words to this song hit me where I stood, and I didn't blog about it because I couldn't find the lyrics since it just came out and I didn't have time to transcribe them, but I did this morning, so here we go (and yes, I missed a few of them, and probably got some wrong, but I did the best I could).

P.S. I love the shout out to St. Augustine of Hippo in this song (in case you don't know, that is Augie's [my cat's] full name :) ) I'll let you figure out what it is on your own if you don't already know! (OK here's a tip, it's from the Confessions, that's 300 + pages happy reading!) 

So this song, getting back to the point, I think it expresses very well what I have just realized, that God is calling out to me, during this time of turmoil and I am looking in all the wrong place, but I am really trying to focus.  And since I have been trying to focus my priorities, I feel like I am alive again, and it is a miracle that I am still breathing, and that in and of itself is an amazing blessing.  Sometimes I think we take the most basic gift, our very lives for granted.  I am not exactly sure where I am going with this post, so I'll just say this . . . I am the happiest I have been in a long time, because I searched for love in it's own domain, and my darkness has been shattered, and I truly feel alive for the first time in over five years.  It's Amazing, God is amazing.

"Alive Again" by Matt Maher
I woke up in darkness, Surrounded by Silence
Oh where?  Where have I gone?
I woke to reality Losing its grip on me
Oh where? Where have I gone?
Cause I can see the light, Before I see the sunrise

You called and you shouted, Rose through my deafness
Now I'm breathing in, And breathing out
I'm alive again
You shattered my darkness, washed away my blindness
Now I'm breathing in, And breathing out
I'm alive again

Late have I loved you
You waited for me, I searched for you
What took me so long?
I was looking outside, As if love would ever want to hide
I'm finding I was wrong
Cause I can feel the wind (?), Before it hits my skin

You called and you shouted, Rose through my deafness
Now I'm breathing in, And breathing out
I'm alive again
You shattered my darkness, washed away my blindness
Now I'm breathing in, And breathing out
I'm alive again
I'm alive again

Cause I want you, yes I want you
And I need you
(OK I admit it, I couldn't understand that part)
Cause I love you and I love you

You called and you shouted, Rose through my deafness
Now I'm breathing in, And breathing out
I'm alive again
You shattered my darkness, washed away my blindness
Now I'm breathing in, And breathing out
I'm alive again
I'm alive again

We used to sing this song a few years about in the Life Teen Praise Group, and I loved it.  Last night, I felt the desire to write a post, but I lacked the proper inspiration and organization of thought to do so, and I was frustrated at that.  But then it hit me, I am trying hard to focus on what is right in my life since a bunch of stuff seems to be going wrong.  So here are some of the things that are right or good: I had someone to go to for help with my financial situation, of course I owe my Gramma a crap-load of money now, and I'll be paying her back for a long time, but at least I had someone to turn to for help; I have a job, even if I work for crazy people, in a crazy situation, at least I have a job; I have a place to live with pretty cool roommates; and I have awesome family and friends.  What does focusing on what is right have to do with this song or me being inspired, well that's easy.  This song basically says that despite all the crap in my life I am going to praise the Lord, and I am striving for that.  I know all this stuff wouldn't be happening if I wasn't able to handle it.  You know the line, "To whom much is given, much is expected."  Well along with the abundance of crap, there is an abundance of good, I am back on financial track thanks to several loans from Gramma over the past 2 months, and I should hopefully be getting a little bit more money per hour soon, or a new job, that's the real hope, and I live with one of my best friends, someone who actually showed concern when I wasn't home when I was supposed to be, that's a nice feeling.  This line, "And I can't understand All that You allow I just can't see the reason But my life is in Your hands And though I cannot see You I choose to trust You," is going to be my motto, because I really don't know why all this is happening to me, but I do know that God has a plan, and I trust Him to lead me in the right way. 

I recently got back in touch with my youth minister from high school, and the last time I saw her, in December was right after the wedding, and so of course she e-mailed me asking me all about being married and how we met, etc.  So I had to tell her that we are seperated and likely to divorce, and her comment to me about that struck me because she wasn't the first to say something like this to me, but she said, "I am sure you will recover; as I remember you tend to bounce back from disappointments pretty well."  And Fr. Drew expressed something similar, that I am strong person and will get over whatever is put in my way.  It's weird to be told you are strong or courageous when you feel really volnurable and scared, but looking back over the past 4 months (wow it's been 4 months already?) I am realizing that I have done exceptionally well handling what has come my way, and I have learned a lot about myself and what is really important in this time.  It is kinda like I said in a post before, we can only really grow and change when we are experiencing brokenness.


"Yet I Will Praise" by Vineyard Music
I will praise You Lord my God
Even in my brokenness
I will praise You Lord
I will praise You Lord my God
Even in my desperation
I will praise You Lord

And I can't understand
All that You allow
I just can't see the reason
But my life is in Your hands
And though I cannot see You
I choose to trust You

Even when my heart is torn I will praise (trust) You Lord
Even when I feel deserted I will praise (trust) You Lord
Even in my darkest valley I will praise (trust) You Lord
And when my world is shattered and it seems all hope is gone
Yet I will praise You Lord

I will trust You Lord my God
Even in my loneliness
I will trust You Lord
I will trust You Lord my God
Even when I cannot hear You
I will trust You Lord

And I will not forget
That You hung on a cross
Lord You bled and died for me
And if I have to suffer
I know that You've been there
And I know that You're here now

I feel so many things right now, that I can't even recognize what they are.  It's almost like feeling nothing.  I am worried about a lot.  I haven't slept well in like 2 weeks.  I feel like crap.  I keep thinking I need to apologize for being me, like there is something wrong with me.  I get it, sometimes I am too much, but I am me, that is part of who I am.  I need a better paying job, and soon.  I need closure from the end of my marriage, but seeing as my husband refuses to have a conversation with me that isn't going to happen.  I really feel like too much life is happening to me right now.  I can't take much more.  I am past my breaking point.  I had a rough night last night and I am having a tougher day today.  I really need a vacation from my life right now, like I had at the beginning of May.  I just want to go somewhere and pretend like none of this stuff exist for a while.  I get that it isn't healthy, but I just can't deal right now.  I really need a nap and a hug!

It's been a hard, overwhelming week.  Dealing with the difference between knowing something, and knowing something, like with some certainty is difficult.  I have been dealing with a lot of finality lately.  With my marriage, and packing up the apartment.  I think the apartment is the hard part.  Living here I finally felt like a grown up, making it on my own, or our own, since it wasn't just my home, but that is what it was for me, home. This was the first place I really felt honest in calling home in several years, but it lost that feeling a few months ago.  It wasn't meant to be just my home, but the past month maybe, I really felt like it was home again, and I am not sure how I feel about losing that. 

Knowing the divorce will be filed for and leaving our apartment adds a finality I wasn't prepared for.  It's funny how you think you want something and feel really content with pursuing it, but then you actually get it and realize maybe you aren't as OK with it as you thought.  That's how I feel right now. 

I am a little ball of confused lately.  I am not sure what I want, I am not sure where I am going, and I am not exactly sure who I am, and I absolutely hate that I let someone in particulars antics get to me so much.  That's why  today's post is "Decode" this song has elements of what I feel about Joshua, I really thought I knew him, but I am starting to realize I don't and I don't believe he allowed me to get to know the real him, and that really hurts.  It sucks when you love someone so much and then realize that one you didn't know them, and two, they didn't really love you back.  It especially sucks when that person decides to marry you despite that.  And so I hear this song and think of that, "How did we get here when I used to know you so well?"

I am certainly not naive enough to think that life should always be wine and roses, and that joy should radiate out of every moment of your life, I am fairly certain that it isn't supposed to be like this.  Dr. Smith once told me, "the point of life is not to be miserable, the point of life is to be happy."  He told me this because I tend to settle for what's just enough, not really pursuing what I want.  It's hard to pursue what you want when you don't have a clue what you want. 

It's also weird to be a peace with something, but to still be sad about it.  I mean usually I think of peace and happiness together, not peace and sadness.  At least I am not in a state of turmoil.  I just wish things were different.

I think this move and all the uncertainty that come with it is affecting me more than I thought it would, I mean like yesterday, the weather was pretty in the morning and evening, but at midday, when the movers showed up it started pouring, and the move cost like $100 more than it should have, and took longer than it should have, and it just makes me wonder do all these hitches mean I made a bad choice?

Here I go over thinking things again.  I really need to stop doing that.  Over analyzing everything, and internalizing it like I do really isn't good.  I also have a tendency to read way too much into stuff when I do that.

So this is my last post from my apartment, and another chapter closes.

Decode by Paramore
How can I decide what's right
When you're clouding up my mind?
I can't win your losing fight
All the time.

How can I ever own what's mine
When you're always taking sides?
But you won't take away my pride.
No, not this time.
Not this time.

How did we get here?
I used to know you so well.
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know.

The truth is hiding in your eyes
And it's hanging on your tongue.
Just boiling in my blood.
But you think that I can't see
What kind of man that you are,
If you're a man at all.
Well, I will figure this one out
On my own.
(I'm screaming, "I love you so.")
On my own.
[ Paramore Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
(My thoughts you can't decode.)

How did we get here?
I used to know you so well, yeah.
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know.

Do you see what we've done?
We've gone and made such fools
Of ourselves.
Do you see what we've done?
We've gone and made such fools
Of ourselves.

How did we get here?
I used to know you so well, yeah, yeah.
How did we get here?
Well, I used to know you so well.
I think I know.
I think I know.

There is something I see in you.
It might kill me.
I want it to be true.

Most of the time I feel like I am doing OK, but then someone will say something, or i'll hear a song, or just have a random thought that will remind me of J, and even though things were nowhere near perfect.  I'll get sad and wish it could be different.  I guess it's just because change is scary.  Like I said to Orrin the other day--the thing about change is that you never quite know what to expect when it happens.  That unknown and uncertainty really gets to me.  I am a worrier, it is what I do, I keep trying not to, and I keep trying to just relax and trust, but I struggle so much with that.  While I am pretty sure what I am dealing with is good for me, and necessary, I can't help but not want to deal with it.  Part of me wants to go back to the way it was, even though it was crappy because it was predictable and familiar.  But then I think about the fact that overall, I am happy, I am the happiest I have been in years.  I feel joy in my heart again, and I don't want to trade that feeling.  I just need to keep growing in trust.  I need to keep seeking the will of God.  I know He won't lead me astray, but I still am unable to completely surrender and trust Him.

OK, so I read through everyone's comments on my facebook about my "Letting Go" note, and I think I might get it now.  The first time I heard this song, "Original" by Kelly Pease I loved it.  I feel like it describes the way I had tried to live my life, making sure people say me a certain way and I fit an image, but reading everyone's comments is showing me that what is most important about me is that God made me to be me.  Even though I know that, I don't think it really sunk in until I just read so many of you basically telling me that.  It is very possible that all I need to define myself by is being a child of God.  Really if you think about it, that should be more than enough.  Too often I do not appreciate the simple things the way I should, and maybe in looking for myself, I can find myself with the simplest answer.  Do I really need more than being the daughter of the King of Kings and the Queen of Queens?  Seriously, that is more than enough, the rest is just icing on the cake.  So I think I will try to focus on whose I am (like Kristan said) rather than who I am.  All to often I try to make things that shouldn't be all about me, I need to refocus.

"Original" by Kelly Pease
So long I've been trying to please so many people,
Most of whom don't even know my name.
Somehow if I could only be what they were buying or selling,
In my trying I found out, just who I am.
I am an original, I am fearfully wonderfully made
I am an original
I discovered the name that the artist had placed on my heart
And it makes me an original work of art.
Yeah yeah oh
Somewhere along the way I bought into some crazy notion
That I could be to everybody all things
So long I've been beating my head against the wall
Through my trying I was crying
Show me who I am
I am an original, I am fearfully wonderfully made
I am an original
I discovered the name that the artist had placed on my heart
And it makes me an original work of art.
I am fearfully wonderfully made
I am an original
I discovered the name that the artist had placed on my heart
And it makes me an original work of art.
My face my smile, I am just your child that's all I am
I don't have to be anything but what you have made in me
I don't have to look think talk walk like anyone else,
I am an original work of art
I don't have to look think talk walk like anyone else,
I am an original work of art
I am an original
I am fearfully wonderfully made
I am an original
I am fearfully wonderfully made
I am an original
I am fearfully wonderfully made
I am an original
I discovered the name that the artist had placed on my heart
And it makes me an original work of art.

Well I am struggling with letting go.  I am one of those I have a plan, and I am in control people.  Surrendering control is not easy for me, and that is what I am facing right now.  I had made the decision to file for divorce after some things were settled, mostly with my therapist and I, whether J wanted to participate was up to him.  I had hoped he would, we need some closure, but he refuses, and he e-mailed me the other day that he was filing and that I could keep the Escape we financed together.  I have been paying for the car for a year now, so yay I get to keep what I am paying for, that's generous. 

I was taken aback and upset by the e-mail, not so much because the divorce would happen, but because it was taken out of control.  I was looking forward to doing things my way and on my terms.  Once again J made that fairly impossible.  He seems to be ruining a lot of my plans lately.  I was also upset because of the fact that he e-mailed me and it was treated so informally.  Like it isn't one of the most important decisions a person can make.  

My life is rather uncertain right now, and I am unsure of who I really am.  In a week and a half I lost two roles that I felt defined me: teacher and wife.  Now I am not a teacher, and I am not a wife, what am I?  I know I am a beloved daughter of God, and I am trying to grow in that relationship.  I think I have been somewhat successful, I know God will provide but I am having trouble surrendering my will, letting go.  I am also trying to figure out what I am besides a child of God, or is that enough to define me?  I am trying to use this time to grow in trust, but I don't want to let go of the rail.  I don't want to surrender, I know it is necessary, but I am afraid.  How can I just let go and surrender?

I love this song "I'm Letting Go" and I want to make it mine, but my will is getting in the way.

Francesca Battistelli Lyrics – I’m Letting Go
My heart beats, standing on the edge
But my feet have finally left the ledge
Like an acrobat
There’s no turning back
Chorus
I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
Losing control
Of my destiny
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go
This is a giant leap of faith
Trusting and trying to embrace
The fear of the unknown
Beyond my comfort zone
Chorus
I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
Losing control
Of my destiny
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go
Giving in to your gravity
Knowing You are holding me
I’m not afraid
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
Feels like I’m falling and this is the life for me

So life is weird lately.  That's not really new.  I went to talk to a priest that I adore today, he helped me through problems before.  I enjoyed talking with him and it was great to catch up after 4 years.  He offered me nothing definitive, but it was nice to have another set of listening ears, and he did offer me some help and encouragement for entering grad school.  So I am going to start preparing for the GRE and apply to the MA in Philosophy program.  I am excited about the possibilities.  Why is this called "The Climb?" Well, that's because I have heard this song a few times and I can really relate to the lyrics.  It's how my life feels lately, that I keep climbing mountians and wanting to be free, but I am realizing that the journey is the important part.  I am thankful for the trials I have been through; I have learned a lot from them, and I am thankful for the response of my friends, they've helped me to realize 1 who my friends really are, and 2, that I am not alone.  When I was talking to Fr. Anthony, I mentioned how a quote from him that I have had on my e-mail signature for a long time and noticed it a few weeks ago, "Be attentive to blessings."  When I rediscovered it, something he told me when I was having a rough time years ago, I took stock of theh good things in my life and realized how even in these times of trial I am surrounded by love and all these people are traveling with me.  

"The Climb" by Miley Cyrus"
I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

So I hear Reba's newest song, "Strange" and I think how strange it is that it fits so well with my life right now.   According to everyone I am handling my situation so well, but it makes me think I am not handling it right if it isn't how everyone else would handle it.  Then I think about Carrie's comment in the Sex and the City movie, "That maybe you are only allowed so many tears per guy, and I've used mine up."  It kind of makes sense.  I feel that way about J, like maybe all the sorrow I am allowed for him has been used up.    I am ready to move on, and that seems strange to me because I am always so scared of change.  Terrified to let go of the past or present.  Even if it is a totally shitty situation that is horrible for me and prevents any sort of flourishing for myself. 

"Strange" by Reba McEntire
I laid there feeling sorry for myself
In a bed of kleenex
Stuffin chocolates in my mouth
On the phone with my best friend cussin my ex
He broke my heart
Felt like the world had ended
I cried myself to sleep
Thinkin I cant get over him

Strange, talk about luck I woke up
And the sun was shining
Strange, I ought a be in bed with my head
In the pillow cryin over us
But I aint, aint love
Strange

Got half a mind to spend my whole paycheck
On one of those dresses
Those strapless black ones
That are so famous for teaching lessons
Dropped by his place
Picked up the rest of my things
He’ll tell me I look good
I’ll laugh and say yeah wastin time

Strange
Talk about luck I woke up
And the sun was shining
Strange
I ought a be in bed with my head
In the pillow crying over us
But I aint, aint love
Strange
Strange

Strange
Talk about luck I woke up
And the sun was shining
Strange
I ought a be in the bed with my head
In the pillow crying over us
But I aint, aint love
Strange

Strange, talk about luck I woke up
And the sun was shining
Strange, strange